But it is usually because I have handed him the club. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. I neglect to forgive myself long after God has forgiven me and thrown my mistake into the sea of forgetfulness. My head knows that God is quick to forgive when I repent of my wrongdoing,but my mind does not always concur. If that is not enough, devil is quick to remind me of every mistake I have ever made. When I wallow in remorse I have handed him the club with which to pommel me. And if he doesn't do it, I will. At least I did before the Lord opened my eyes.
You see, not forgiving myself for my mistakes is a form of unforgiveness, perhaps the worst kind because it is as insidious as a malignancy. Like a well camouflaged enemy who sneaks into my camp at night and steals my food and ammunition, it renders me powerless. A broken useless soldier in the army of God, held captive by an enemy of my own making.
So I asked the Lord before retiring the other night just why it was that I receive His forgiveness, but so often give it back. The revelation I received was so significant that I believe it is worth sharing because it may very well apply to others as well as myself.
The Lord made me realize that the short tempered, sometimes physically abusive father that raised me had instilled my concept of God as being angry and punitive. Living with my father was like waiting for the axe to fall. As a small child I remember feeling as though I needed to walk on eggshells to keep from arousing his fury.
My mother always put our hair in pigtails (myself and my two sisters). One day my sister and I were fighting as siblings often do. Dad grabbed our pigtails and cracked our heads together. Once he even picked me up by the back of my shirt and kicked me up a short flight of stairs (six steps) as though I were a football. I do not remember which crime I had committed, but I am certain I did not deserve such a punishment.
Fifty years later, I remember these two incidents as vividly as if they had happened only yesterday. I mention them because I believe the implications are significant, as others have experienced similar childhood traumas to mine. It is important to realize that parents are not perfect. Many are less perfect than others, and our childhood perceptions of these flawed individuals can influence our concept of God. Thus, our ability to receive and keep His forgiveness and love can be seriously impeded. God has so many wounded soldiers hobbling around in His army that I suspect this very thing is the root to most, if not all of our afflictions...physical, spiritual and emotional.
Speaking of myself again, I have come to realize that my entire relationship with God has been fear-based. Fear is the opposite of faith and when it afflicts me so completely, it can actually interfere with my ability to have faith in God and subsequently to connect emotionally with Him during worship. I am not talking about the holy reverential fear we should have of God, rather the kind that keeps me from feeling His love. For instance, going to church because I fear that God will smite me if I don't or tithing because I am afraid He will take away my assets, ect.
2 Timothy 1:7
New Living Translation (NLT)
7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
God has given me a spirit of power, love and self-discipline, but in order to tap into that spirit I must discover who I am in Christ. When I come to the full understanding of Christ's redeeming work on the cross and accept the fact that it is as much for me as for anyone else, the enemy will lose his hold on me, his taunts and lies over my past mistakes will no longer be audible over the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit. Jesus Himself will force the enemy to throw down his weapon. My job, with God's help, is to be certain to never again arm the enemy with weapons of doubt, fear and the inability to forgive myself.
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